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Ezzie Brown

Esmeralda Rosalind Brown hates her full name for its pretense of regality, but this is her official bio and I am her brother, so that’s what she gets! She was born on October 1st sixteen years ago and I’ve known her ever since. She’s not too fond of school -- I mean, who isn’t? -- so my parents tried to put her in boarding school for the first two years of high school, but it was too much, being hippie and foodie and no closer to Hogwarts. We love her but it’s not her priority for happiness at this moment -- I’m not sure what is and neither is she, so she’s pretty down. And by pretty down, I mean far too clinically down. But maybe public school is treating her better? I should check in more often. She likes writing poetry and runs cross country because it’s the least competitive sport. She’s full of sass and cracks as many jokes as she does depressing sentiments. I know she’ll figure things out soon, but until then -- she’s still Ezzie.

 

With absolute affection,

Nathaniel

 

The alternate candidate

Apr 5, 2016
2 min read

While the political stage reels with the angry stomping of aging politicians beating each other back and forth with wishy washy barnacles, one American continues forward in his quest for the country’s salvation.

Labelled as a satirist and a performance artist, Vermin Supreme has run for president 7 times. Recently in New Hampshire’s primary, he received more votes that former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore.

Vermin wears a black boot on his head above a long white beard streaked with grey. He carries a large toothbrush, which aligns with the one of the planks of his platform: mandatory tooth-brushing laws. He also promotes time travel research, free ponies for every American, and zombie preparedness so that he can eventually “harness the awesome power of zombies to create electric energy utilizing the latest in giant hamster wheel technology”(cbsnews).

In a speech, he said that “the pony-based economy is truly the most important issue in America today. Fossil fuels are literally killing the planet, and today, we stop that”(abc). Vermin is correct on at least one of those points, which is more than can be said for a great deal of the more popular presidential candidates’ sentiments.

It certainly is time for a revolution in thinking in this country. Why not have it come through the eccentric words of a man wearing a boot and shouting for ponies? Vermin told Americans: “I’m a tyrant that you should trust and you should let me run your life because I do know what’s best for you.” No presidential candidate has been this honest since former president George W. Bush told the country that he knew for a fact that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

 
 
 

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